My Menses & Me
April marks a rather odd anniversary for me... 24 years ago, I became a woman. That's right people, I've been menstruating regularly since April 12, 1987! I've always been able to depend on my period. My ovaries were very different, but equally dependable. One month my cycle was 27 days, the next 24... On and on, 27, 24, 27, 24, 27, 24... In college I went on birth control, and my cycle became that chemically induced 28 day cycle. It was fine, but eventually I wanted to have children, and my ovaries didn't disappoint. 27, 24, 27, 24, 27, 24, then eventually, I missed a period! Hurray! I was to be a mother at last!
Having Malcolm was amazing. The pregnancy was typical. I wanted to throw up the entire first semester, I had great energy the second semester, and in the third my ankles swelled up. My period didn't return until I stopped nursing (some time in May of '06). Of course, my dependable cycle picked up with out losing a beat. And so it went until I became pregnant with Duncan.
The second pregnancy was harder, but mostly because I was chasing after an anxiety filled 2 year old most of the time. It also seemed to go faster, and slower. I was more emotional - maybe even then I knew it would be my last? But Duncan came out beautiful! Again, Aunt Flo took an extended vacation. In fact, today is the two year anniversary of her return.
So why am I writing this? Well, you see, a lot happened two years ago. Because so much happened at one time, the dates are crystal clear. April 18th - morning, Duncan refused to nurse. By night time my cycle had returned. April 21st - my mother's birthday. I called to wish her a Happy and Healthy only to find out that she had had a stroke and was in the hospital.
I flew my family back to California one week later, Tuesday the 28th. On Wednesday my mom seemed to be in pretty good spirits - despite the fact that she had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer, and was given six months to a year to live. She was determined to make it the year, so we could have a big party for her 70th birthday. She said to me that day, April 29th, that I should have another baby. I should try for a girl. She didn't think that two kids would be enough for me. I tried to convince her that MY two were plenty for anybody. Two days later, May 1st, she said it again as I drove her to her doctor's appointment. She wanted me to have another baby. She wanted me to try for a girl. I joked that if I did have another, it would probably be a boy, then I really would be tired! She said "I think you should try".
My mother died May 3rd. It surprised all of us. Especially her. That was the look on her face, once they gave her the morphine for the pain, the look was surprise, and relief.
Her words have haunted me ever since. "I think you should try". So, we did. But this time my body wasn't as dependable. My cycle started out as the regular 27, 24, 27, 24 thing... but then some where along the way, it was different. I was so lost in my mourning many days that I didn't care if my cycle was late or early, or... well, then last year, last April, it seemed to us that we were going to have a third! I was excited, but it was still early, so I wasn't telling people.
One night (no, I don't recall the date, which is weird for me) I had a dream that I had given birth to a little girl. The only problem, I didn't know her name. People kept asking me "What will you call her", and I said, I don't know. I don't know her. The next day, in the middle of April, without cramping or warning of any kind, my period came and washed away my hope for a third. In my heart it was a "she", a "she" that I would never know. Just a few weeks before the one year anniversary of losing my mother, and I felt that I had now lost her last wish.
The "make a baby" campaign now became an obsession, and my body was not cooperating. One month my cycle would be 18 days, the next 29, then 26, then 21, then... I was going crazy! At my doctors office I cried about my sudden "infertility" and told her that I didn't want to try anymore. My heart couldn't take it. I just wanted to think about getting healthy. She agreed, no birth control, but no fertility meds either. I started the new year (January) with a new goal. I was going to stop worrying about my cycle, and start focusing on my family...
Things are never that easy. My cycle, thankfully, has returned to normal, but now, in April, I'm starting to question myself. Do I want a third child? I don't know. I know I want to be healthy for the two that I have... but is that enough?
Having Malcolm was amazing. The pregnancy was typical. I wanted to throw up the entire first semester, I had great energy the second semester, and in the third my ankles swelled up. My period didn't return until I stopped nursing (some time in May of '06). Of course, my dependable cycle picked up with out losing a beat. And so it went until I became pregnant with Duncan.
The second pregnancy was harder, but mostly because I was chasing after an anxiety filled 2 year old most of the time. It also seemed to go faster, and slower. I was more emotional - maybe even then I knew it would be my last? But Duncan came out beautiful! Again, Aunt Flo took an extended vacation. In fact, today is the two year anniversary of her return.
So why am I writing this? Well, you see, a lot happened two years ago. Because so much happened at one time, the dates are crystal clear. April 18th - morning, Duncan refused to nurse. By night time my cycle had returned. April 21st - my mother's birthday. I called to wish her a Happy and Healthy only to find out that she had had a stroke and was in the hospital.
I flew my family back to California one week later, Tuesday the 28th. On Wednesday my mom seemed to be in pretty good spirits - despite the fact that she had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer, and was given six months to a year to live. She was determined to make it the year, so we could have a big party for her 70th birthday. She said to me that day, April 29th, that I should have another baby. I should try for a girl. She didn't think that two kids would be enough for me. I tried to convince her that MY two were plenty for anybody. Two days later, May 1st, she said it again as I drove her to her doctor's appointment. She wanted me to have another baby. She wanted me to try for a girl. I joked that if I did have another, it would probably be a boy, then I really would be tired! She said "I think you should try".
My mother died May 3rd. It surprised all of us. Especially her. That was the look on her face, once they gave her the morphine for the pain, the look was surprise, and relief.
Her words have haunted me ever since. "I think you should try". So, we did. But this time my body wasn't as dependable. My cycle started out as the regular 27, 24, 27, 24 thing... but then some where along the way, it was different. I was so lost in my mourning many days that I didn't care if my cycle was late or early, or... well, then last year, last April, it seemed to us that we were going to have a third! I was excited, but it was still early, so I wasn't telling people.
One night (no, I don't recall the date, which is weird for me) I had a dream that I had given birth to a little girl. The only problem, I didn't know her name. People kept asking me "What will you call her", and I said, I don't know. I don't know her. The next day, in the middle of April, without cramping or warning of any kind, my period came and washed away my hope for a third. In my heart it was a "she", a "she" that I would never know. Just a few weeks before the one year anniversary of losing my mother, and I felt that I had now lost her last wish.
The "make a baby" campaign now became an obsession, and my body was not cooperating. One month my cycle would be 18 days, the next 29, then 26, then 21, then... I was going crazy! At my doctors office I cried about my sudden "infertility" and told her that I didn't want to try anymore. My heart couldn't take it. I just wanted to think about getting healthy. She agreed, no birth control, but no fertility meds either. I started the new year (January) with a new goal. I was going to stop worrying about my cycle, and start focusing on my family...
Things are never that easy. My cycle, thankfully, has returned to normal, but now, in April, I'm starting to question myself. Do I want a third child? I don't know. I know I want to be healthy for the two that I have... but is that enough?
posted by spnstr @ 10:46 AM
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